Title

170425

I’ve been here for centuries - staring at my plain white walls, while she sings to me her opinions and complaints. And in the midst of my daze, when she finally sees my silence, she shifts her songs to mockery. To think that she is the rational, mature and insightful one - now she has seen things that i have not - yes she has seen things i should have seen, but she just. “Do this, do that, I think, you should, they are, you are, shut up, don’t worry, let me, they don’t, you don’t” endless, endless babbling, commands and controlling songs. I’ve been here for centuries - staring at my plain white walls. And when is tomorrow, I don't know, for I stopped longing for it. What happened yesterday I don't remember for she took that memory from me. I kindly begged her to show me a day from the past, and I succumbed, I stumbled and fell, I laid on my floor, wasted and completely miserable. Not that I ever was not miserable, but that moment I wanted to perish. For if I go, so does she. I’ve been here for centuries - walking to school, with a cigarette in my right hand, with her yelling or singing pointless lullabies in my right ear. And when I'm completely alone, she pushes me aside, and I'm watching myself walk. And then someone I know walks up to me and I fight for control, because she will be silent, she will be distant, she will ignore or say vacant words with no meaning and that is not who I strive to be. I’ve been here for centuries - staring at her, the mirror has never seen me before, nor the reflection in the water, nor any camera has ever captured me. I’ve been here for centuries - shut up she said, and I said you shut up, my body, my mind, my control, BUT im the more rational one, im the one you want to be, no I then said no, no, no, no, no! I am me, only me, you are NOT real, you are my stupid imagination trying to be edgy, and then she got mad, really really mad, she yelled at me, and i saw my parents in front of me, hands raised, and i prepared for pain, but realised they were not there, just me and her, she did it on purpose! She did it on purpose! She remembers things I don't, and when she wants me down, she gives them to me! What evil, what mean! How could my own detached self be so mean yet so insightful? Everyone knows im naive and foolish, everyone knows im dumber than a door, everyone knows i lack perspective and skill in life, so why is my detached self (which i confused to be some sort of psychosis) why is she so mature in her own way, why is she so knowledgeable in what is and what is not. She knows so much that it no longer seems important to her, and now she just mocks me and withholds memories that I probably don’t want. My confusion makes me wanna scream, what are you? WHO are you? Please leave me alone, this endless mockery makes me go insane, yet i don’t wanna get rid of the comfort she provides me, the way she takes away the loneliness, the way she consults me in my life choices. Wouldn’t getting rid of her, get rid of me

030425

I really love my parents, they gave me life, raised me. But that's what i hate them for. I never really saw fault in what they did, i thought everyone was treated that way. I wondered why i wasn't allowed to hit the other children in kindergarten, i wondered why i couldn't touch other kids in kindergarten, i wondered why i couldn't call them names. Why could mama and papa do that when i couldn't? I always went past the police with caution even though i did nothing wrong, but my mama always told me to roll my sleeves down, she said the police might see my blue marks, i felt guilty for having them. I hated to see my parents fight, because it was always my fault. My papa was going to kill my mama, he had her chokehold and yelled "Я УБЬЮ ТЕБЯ" (I will kill you). It was my fault though, then he grabbed me and did things to me that i don't quite remember, but i deserved it. I was really scared, when i was standing in the stairwell, and my mama wouldn't let me inside, it was really cold. My neighbour came up, his eyes were red, and he smelled kinda funny, i don't think he saw me. I cried a lot when my papa went outside to smoke, i thought he had left us, and then he'd yell at me for crying, for being afraid to lose him, it was my fault again. I was misbehaving, why did i do that, i love my parents, i would always listen to them, maybe it was a miscommunication? But i deserved punishment, so i stared at the corner for a few hours. My mama was brushing my hair, she was rough with it, but i was a mess, stupid i started crying and she hit me with the brush. I was playing a game with my papa and i cheated, he hit me on the head. I accidentally stepped on my mamas feet and she hit me in my stomach. I told my papa my own opinion and he hit me on the head. My mama once spilled a glass of wine, while i was doodling, and i started apologising and crying, because it was my fault. My sister once didn't want to eat, i asked why, questions were not okay. I once came home either crying or mad, i was hit and yelled at, but it was my fault, we had to be happy. We had to be positive, we had to be.
*1. Do not show any negative emotion.*
*2. Do not have own opinions.*
*3. Do not talk again.*
*4. Do not comment.*
*5. Do everything they demand, no matter how unpleasant.*
*6. Ignore the crying.*
I was always scared of the dark, but even then they locked my door, and it was so so dark, it was brighter when i closed my eyes, and imagined them embracing me, with nothing but love. Then my papa left, i always wondered why, he said he'd return, but weeks went by and i didn't see him, i really missed him, i was really lonely. But my mama stopped hitting me, she still locked me out and yelled at me, and called me names, but thats my fault. And i still love her. Then i saw my papa again, though i had to come to him, he didn't hit me either! but he was still mad at me for very small things, and he drank quite many glasses of whiskey! but that's on me. And i still love him. Im their child. Cursed with forgivness.

160425

Time did not exist, at least I wasn't thinking of it. And tomorrow was just another question I had no answer to. The crashing waves, the distant lights of apartments on the other side of the bridge that lead to the beach, the breeze, and my two best friends, that was all I needed to forget time, to forget tomorrow and yesterday. My two best friends never spoke, not a single word have i ever heard, but even then, they make me feel good, they make me forget yesterday and tomorrow, they give me confidence, they give me a rush, or a calm, depending on where we are. The beach wasn’t anything particularly special to me, nor for my friends, but we especially liked to hang out here. Burning letters of forgotten loved ones, mourning a non-existent alternate reality, reflecting on yesterday, and predicting tomorrow. Being there at dark was best, my friends are shy, not accepted by society as much. They’re only really looked upon at festive times, but otherwise people look down on us. But I don't care, we three go against the world. People have tried keeping us apart, telling me dirty lies about them, but I don't care, they are my best friends. I will love them no matter what, no matter how much they may hurt me, I love them. I sit here on the cold sand, telling them my gratitude for them, and in return I get nothing but silence. Maybe a spark flies by, maybe a warmth washes over me. But right now, this moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not the past, not the future. But right now, us three, the beach, stars, crashing waves. Perfect, I get to really feel, and despite it I live. I really get to understand that I am nothing in this world, and despite it I exist.

180425

I lay twitching, my thoughts run astray, everyone sounds like flies, everyone makes my blood boil. I can physically feel my blood, my head is throbbing, my lungs are on fire and everything seems unbearable. What did I do to myself. The realisation of how far it went, how i went too far, it wasn't supposed to be like that. I didn’t think that one would turn into a second, then a third and a fourth, and then for the count to disappear. Things were dark, but with them it was just a little lighter, just bearable enough, just enough to keep walking. And now I'm unable to do anything really, just sit and wait, suffer through it, feel my body punishing me for not keeping up. It was worse before though, I'd lay on the floor in pain, feeling like someone was pulling at my insides, the nausea, the heaviness, the inability to sleep, I felt like I was being punished (I was). To attend functions like this was even worse, the anxiety was grueling, tearing at me, everyone was an enemy, everyone wanted me dead. Thoughts were impossible to decode, nothing made sense, everything was in a fog, and I was lost. But no matter what state I was in, the pain would follow me. It was there before I went too far, it was there during, and after. Nothing I did helped, nothing I did freed me from it. It took my memories away for just a moment, but the feelings they gave me remained, multiplied. I managed to convince myself for a while that it was nothing serious, I just loved partying, I kept saying that, I kept convincing myself. I stopped coming with excuses when I was half down the toilet, feeling like my insides wanted out. But I needed it, I really really needed it, I really really really needed it. And even now, despite the worst being over, the pain never really left, the craving never really left, and if not this one, then another one, not that one, then a third one. My hunt for relief never really ends, and never will end, and as much as it will destroy me, ruin me, the price for a moment of solace is expensive.

190425

The word “day” has lost its meaning, there is no yesterday, today or tomorrow, it has melted into one big mess, a mess that I am drowning in. Time has lost its worth, clocks are useless, countdowns don't matter, and numbers are empty symbols. No matter the circumstance, it's all the same, grey and boring, all I ever hear is static, every word, every noise is bathed in static, no sentence makes sense, no voice is recognisable, no face is its own. Smells, sounds, colors, visuals have become shifted, different, eerie. Reality is not quite Itself. Whenever I walk, whenever I talk, it is NOT my actions, that is not who I am, I am not like that, my previous versions are covering what i am, my previous versions are betraying me. But truly there are no “previous” versions, it's all just me with an internal conflict I cannot resolve despite my endless efforts. I walk on a thin line between the living and the dead, for what is a reason for living is an excellent reason for dying. My face isn't mine, it has never been, my body isn't mine, never been. I never chose this life, my choice has never been mine, for we never truly own anything, not even words. I don't know what is going on, my mind isn't really mine, my thought are not connected, free and worthless, reflecting in my writing, and now im on a lot of glases of bubbles and i cant really think normalt, and i dont know what tk write and forgot everytbint.

191425

From the sickening dread to the delusional high, a constant internal fight. I let it flow, I might do something unacceptable. Try to control it, I will destroy myself. A constant dialogue between those parts, babbling and yapping, complaining about each other. I walk into class, i don’t say anything, i maybe give a smile but nothing else. I sit down quietly, finishing my third energy drink, but instead of energy i get tired. I lay my head down on the table and close my eyes, things flash before my eyes, the things i’ve done, my failures, what people have done to me, how they treated me. My friends are loud and discussing things, i’d usually join in, but i have nothing to say, i don’t feel like talking. Unusual. I stand up suddenly walking out, i need a cigarette. Im back. I walk out again, i need another one. Im back, i feel like everyone is staring at me, i feel judged, they can read my every thought, they can see through my eyes, i can’t take it. I look at the sun outside, im lost, my life isn’t worth living, why am i even here. As the day ends i disappear saying nothing. I walk into class, singing my lungs out, i jump around, i talk with every classmate i see, asking them stupid questions. I walk to my seat, slightly jumping to the music in my ears, i suddenly remember everything, i start talking about worthless things to my friends, i move with dramatic movements as if recreating the moment, i have so many idea so many stories, they flow out of my mouth like a waterfall, nothing to stop them. I run out of class, and speak with every student, every stranger has become my friend, every enemy has become ally. I jump around, run around, my energy is overwhelming, i don’t feel well. I look at the sun outside, i feel life pumping through my veins, nothing can stop me, nothing will stop me, my life is the best one out there, i finish my cigarette. I walk in, im calm, as if i exhaled all the energy out with the smoke. I looked in the bathroom mirror, i didn’t recognise the reflection, but she was beautiful, she looked amazing, i was almost jealous, but that look in her eyes was terrifying. I walk into class again, people look oddly at me, some of them ask me if im on drugs, im slightly offended but i shrug it off and laugh, i feel amazing, i don’t think they understand! As the day ends i walk out and salute to my classmates and hop away.

192425

“Yeah no, there weren’t any signs, she is completely normal. She did have a disagreement with her friends a few years ago and she hurt herself after that…No, she didn’t before. There were never any issues with concentration, she never had any issues and neither has reason for them, she’s just anxious”
“It’s just your hormones, you are a teen growing and exploring life and a bunch of new emotions, take this bag, there a lot of tools for when you feel suicidal”
“You make me feel like a bad mom! What are you telling the doctors? That i hit you? They tell me im a bad mom!”
“No she’s just dramatic and overreacting, she has everything!”
“You are not psychotic, they are psychotic! They make healthy children sick.”
“I can’t ever trust you again”
“Im concerned for your future, it’s not really my business, my only job is making sure you survive till 18, after that you’re on your own, not my problem if you become and addict or homeless, just disappointing”
“Of course if you’re just chasing a diagnosis they’re gonna give you one!”
“You aren’t gonna become anything if you keep being like that”
“If they prescribe medicine for you, you aren’t gonna take it, you don’t need it”
“Theres nothing wrong with you, you just need to get it together.”
“You aren’t depressed, youre lazy and undisciplined”
“If youre gonna kill yourself do it in the bathroom.”

193425

You’ve got a blessing, why can't you see that. You're able to turn a worldwide hated feeling into pleasure, why does it not amaze you? It's a power. You stumble your toe, you feel amazing. You accidentally cut yourself on something, you feel satisfied. You get hit or kicked for fun by a classmate, you want more. You have a headache, it's a gift. You have a stomach ache, it's a fest. Every signal of pain is a release of euphoria. You enjoy it, you find it amusing, and yet you are repulsed by it. You go around and show people your disgust, all while secretly enjoying it. Hypocrite. I gave you this gift, so you could embrace it and cherish it, for you needed solace from pain. And yet you reject it. Yes people are repulsed by it, people don't see how pain could ever be good, but when pain is all you ever feel, you adapt. In a way it is tragic, yet it's beautiful how even the destructive can become the calm. I shielded you for years, preventing you from pain, but it was time to figure it out yourself, and I gave you that power, that adaptation. The pain wasn't that bad no more, Was it? Your parent's hits felt milder, more tolerable, the slaps felt like challenges you were winning, everything was survivable. In kindergarden you used to fall a lot, you laughed instead of crying like your peers. You broke your finger, you didn't cry from the pain, but the shock, you were a hypochondriac, truly a dangerous combination. I remember every single second of your life, I know you better than you, so don't you dare say no to me. Don't you dare reject, for I know what's better for you. I'm the mother you never had, i'm the father you never had, i'm the sibling you never had, i'm the friend you never had, i'm the mentor you never had, i am you, that you never had.

194425

I'm a mortal and a goddess. My class and my peers are forced to follow me. Yesterday I walked with pride, every reflection was not mine, never was. But the reflection was beautiful, it showed a true goddess. Her diamond blue eyes shone like a thousand stars, and her words were like a waterfall with no filter or border. She had the energy of a dying sun, she didn't care if people didn't meet eye to eye with her, she needed no one's confidence but her own. I wish I was her. I watched as she stared at the sun outside with a cigarette in her right hand. I could feel her feelings, they were exploding in a thousand colors, every single one so bright and promising. She spoke with every stranger and enemy as if they were now friends and allies, she did things far from rationality, but the beauty in that chaos was fueling. At home she sang loudly and played her guitar, as if a million people were watching and cheering. She sat on the bus with her new friends (old people) talking and talking about her amazing life. She was the happiest person I have ever seen. She spoke as if she could hold an endless amount of thoughts, and the look of excitement in her eyes was stuck in the reflection. Now night had befallen, but she knew there were many things to do, she felt life racing through her veins, there was no time to sleep, there was no need for it. Now the reflection of that goddess followed me for long, and I enjoyed watching her be. But tomorrow she wasn't much of a goddess any more. Tomorrow she was a mortal, I watched the reflection, but she was so ugly, filthy and disgusting. Her diamond blue eyes, now shallow and grey. She looked so small and fragile, her face stained from tears. She didn't walk with pride and confidence, she avoided all possible interactions. Now every ally and friend, enemy and stranger. She looked as if she never knew sleep, yet she slept like a rock. Not really present but still there, I watched her stare at the sun with a cigarette in her hand. I could feel her feelings and I wish I couldn't, the dread, the misery, she wanted to die! Walking between people felt like torture, every eye, every word, felt like judgement and pain. She didn't want to be seen, and yet she tried her best to act as a goddess, but inside she would always fail, pathetic. Now alone, she'd do nothing but lay in her bed, sleep, weeping, and talking to someone who wasn't really there. A part of her knew that she would become a goddess soon again. When we finally met eye to eye in the reflection, I saw that she was no goddess or mortal, she was me.

200425

I can’t exactly say how long i’ve been walking here. I can’t exactly say how long i’ve been sitting here. I can’t exactly say how long i’ve been staring. I can’t exactly say how long i’ve been talking. I can’t exactly say how long ago i disappeared, after all she knows the exact strings to pull. The sun was shining up high, the sky was blue, a perfect scenario, i too had nothing to complain about as i was walking. I automatically out of habit lit up a cigarette. Things were well, nothing to mourn. My arm moved on it’s own, forcing me to take a drag of my cigarette, i realised how much i hated smoking, and the moment i thought so “But you need it”. I looked at the pavement under me, i watched my shadow move along me. “You need those, they’re not healthy but its your medicine” My legs started walking on their own, my vision was foggy, in a daze, watching the pavement, the tiles move away as my body walked. “Let me carry you” I felt paralyzed, i was fighting for control in my own body, but i was so exhausted, and i let go. The music in my ears was loud, nothing outside was acknowledged, i wasn’t there, but i watched the tiles move and shift, while she walked me. My head moved up and i saw a few of my distant friends, panic set it, i fought for control, i could not let her meet them directly, no, no, no, no. They approached, and my struggling and desperation caught us in a middle, i vaguely greeted them, out of character. They started talking to me, asking me, explaining to me, but my voice was paralysed and we kept pulling back and forth on who talked, so all that came out was vague answers that should have stopped the conversation, i cringed inside when i heard my own words. Finally they left and i let go again, i don’t know why she was so stubborn on having me today, why today? Why now? I entered my class silently, my friend jumping in her face asking me if i wanted to hear what happened, “no” She didn’t like my friend at all, she walked past her, and then a classmate asked if i wanted to see what my friend did to the window, again “no” she kept walking, sat down at the window, and we stared out the window for what felt like ages, loud music, dazed and not really present, i was paralyzed. I acknowledged her, i apologised, i understood, and she let me go. I stood up, feeling alive again, i walked to my friends at the other side of the class, and asked what happened, i found my other friend and listened to her story, i was back, and everyone just thought i was tired. She should never meet any of my friends.

201425

Something was not right, but at the same time everything was at it’s place. All numbers, all letters and symbols were connected, i saw the lines between them, their connection, the way they dance in our everyday lives, i saw the beauty in it. I tried explaining it to my peers, but they couldn’t see it - yes some understood the theory in it, some could understand how they were connected, but that wasn’t enough, what i saw wasn’t just connection, it was beauty, it was meaning, that, that they could not comprehend. Now everywhere i went, every building, every person, every words i said, every word i heard, they were all just numbers and connections. Despite the amazement it soon backstabbed me, nothing was real, nothing was true, nothing had its soul, nothing had its own life, everything was numbers, everything was false, everything was just a program. Reality was slipping away, nobody saw it, and i tried hard to hide it. But every eye, every glance was a threat, i wanted to hide, i wanted to be invisible, i wanted to run, but i knew i had to hold composure, i had to stay. Every word that slipped from people made my blood boil for no reason at all, i felt disgusting, i felt feral. I couldn’t look in the mirror no more, it wasn’t me looking back, it just wasn’t me. Ghosts were mocking me, calling my name and knocking, it was terrifying, no, it was annoying. The sky was purple, filled with stars, it was quite beautiful, but my friend couldn’t see it, couldn’t see the beauty, couldn’t understand it. The skulls on the building, i knew it was just a mural, i knew it was just art, but they were yelling at me, screaming at me, that i would die, that death was after me, that my time was close to an end, i was terrified. I tried to ignore their yelling but they were so loud, the screeching the screaming, i couldn’t take it. Reality wasn’t really here no more, everytime i walked i stumbled on glitches on the ground, everytime i spoke i couldn’t hear myself, everytime i slept, shadows were staring at me. But i had her, she would tell me what was happening, she would tell me whenever it was real or not, she guided me through that nightmare, of losing reality, she walked me through it, made me familiar with it. I wander through dreams and nightmare as if reality, and then im left to hope that reality comes back. Atleast she is with me all the way. I applaud myself for hiding it so well. So does she.

260425

I know I messed up, I had the chance and I spoiled it. I discovered what not-being-me felt like, and I fell in love, to the point where it went too far and I'm never me again. I wish they never showed me, I wish they never let me, but it is all on my hands, my dirty, filthy hands, bathed in blood and guilt. It was bound to happen, it runs in my blood. The days where i watched the tides shift and sway, i knew and i accepted that i was bound to become what i am today, i watched them shift and sway as myself, i watched the sand and the shells knowing that i was not special, i was not my own, i was just as much a part of all as anything else. I was and I am just a reflection, a memory of what one day won't be, of what one day will be nothing but the ash of someone who once used to be. My existence is merely a memory already lived, a life already done, and a reality already disintegrated. My friends and my family merely writers of my book, me too a writer of theirs. A current which never ends, a constant with infinite numbers, a force that never ends, which runs all of our lives, leaving some behind and birthing new. All the things which gave so much sorrow, just unfortune caught under the shoe, all the pain, just written in blood, and someday it will mean nothing. My name forgotten, my eyes never seen and my words carved into papers long burned. The future has left us behind and the past will hold us tight, without a word to the present. I am just as much as the others, i am just as much as everything breathing, just as much as what Is.

010525

She made herself seem different, she made herself seem like a completely other person. she spoke to me as if another, she scolded me as if another, she watched me as if another. And for a moment I believed she was another. I fully saw her as another, as her own person, her own mind and words, her own thoughts and opinions. But when I looked in the mirror all I saw was me. All along she was me, all along she was my thoughts, all along she was my feelings, all along she was myself scolding me, it was me watching me, it was me. For so long everything has been so distant, every face, every word and every action, just a dream, an imagination of what could be, so far away, so unrealistic that even my own face and my own thoughts and my own feelings have never felt like my own. For even I don't feel real, I'm stuck in a body that’s not mine, forced to follow its waltz, forced to feel its feelings. And I bonded with one who was just me, I spoke with one who was just me, with one who was just a reflection. I am her, she is me.

030525

I don't know how I ended up there, I don't remember why I was there, I didn't remember who I was, my past erased, and my present non-existent. I only knew that the angels were walking me through my life, showing me what was and what could have been, judging me. Was I going to hell for my sins, or to heaven for my virtues? Time was slipping, morning and evening were the same, day and night had no difference. Every memory melted together, my past and future the same. My soul had no body, I was nothing, I was just air. Every talking thing was a threat, no matter how much i knew the person, no matter how much i cared for them, they wanted me dead, they were after me, they were plotting against me. Everything had a connection, everything was foreshadowing. Surroundings changed with words, and reality was bending against my will. I was a rat in a maze, every wall that I knocked down was just a wall that I'd replace, I was stuck in the same scenes over and over and over again, and I seemingly would never get out. Something was talking to me, I don't know who, or where, or why, but they were whispering. Everything felt like a cruel joke, a mockery of what my life had been reduced to. Every face I knew became stranger, I saw beneath their faces and emotions, I saw their intentions, I could smell it. Fear, lust, worry and excitement was all that I could smell in the crowd, it was all that they felt. I didn’t know what I felt, because I was everything and nothing at the same time, I had reached some kind of cosmic level of being. And yet I tried my best to conceal my own reality and being slipping away. The shadows followed me, mocked me as I tried to walk home in the freezing weather, every corner, every bush had its own shadow staring at me, even my own shadow was threatening, but I kept walking, I kept walking, I kept walking. And even in my own bed I felt unsafe, for dream and reality were really not so different in the moment, every dream I had could just as much be reality, and I would never really know. None of this was ever real, yet it was real in every single sense of the word. I had my wallpapers peeled, I was judged by the divine, I was a constant, I was everything and nothing, I was and was not, I was thrown through a thousand realities in the span of a second, each of them as terrible as the last, and none of them better. Every person just another version of me, I was staring into a broken mirror, watching hundreds of shattered pieces of me. I saw the roots of evil, I saw the birth of good, I saw how there was no difference, only survival. I saw every core of every person. I saw time itself; it is thought that time is linear and never ending, yet I saw it shift and flow, back and forth, up and down, round and round, it went where it wanted to, and it had no mercy, not even for me, who had broken the boundaries of reality.

150525

I don’t know what happened, what led to this event, why it happened. I was different, everything was different, things were not right, yet as right as they could be. It was a new era, a new beginning, a new me, and I was unstoppable, I could do anything, there were no borders, no restrictions, I was free from the bounds of law and ethics. I could physically feel the freedom I had achieved through nothing but my mind. I could physically grasp this satisfaction and happiness I felt, my chest was no longer heavy, no longer burdened by my past or present, my legs no longer struggling to walk and my head no longer stuck in a headlock. I was the ideal, I was the dream. My mind was working faster than ever, a thousands of ideas, a millions of thoughts all overlapping each other, and i wanted to share my head more than anything ever, so i talked and talked and talked in chains that never truly stopped, but no matter how i moved, how i spoke, how i acted, everyone was stuck in the past, everyone was slower, more grey, i was stuck in a memory where i'm the only one conscious. The mirror cheered me more than anything ever, I saw a goddess looking back at me, I saw the ideal person, an unstoppable beautiful force, that was what the mirror told me. Angels had resurrected me, given me another chance to fix my condemned life, another chance at living my life, and I used that opportunity and I went out, I created, I spoke and I moved like never before, reborn from the ashes of my past. I saw all as was, time, matter and all that is us, I could understand it, I could see it, and the sun stood tall behind me, but not taller than me, the sun was on my side, supporting my every step no matter how vile or unethical. Everyone around me went from dear friends to enemies, they were after me, jealous of my new life, out to get me, but no one could stop the ever flowing power that I had, that I was. I was going to escape, leave behind my origins, finally leave behind my past, start all over, create a life that I always yearned for. But i was foolish, blinded by power and ego, and unable to see that i was already stopped before i knew it, and not long after i found myself twitching and trembling out of sheer never stopping energy flowing through every artery and vein, sitting in a locked room, with a guard, waiting for my assessment. They saw me as a sick person, someone insane and gone, they questioned me and observed me as nothing but an animal. I understood everything but why they didn't see me as a superior being. I felt unresistable rage, I walked with pure pride and determination the next day, everyone I held close became sworn enemies, and I knew that day that I was alone, but in a way that was so beautifully empowering. People stared at me with something I couldn't quite grasp, caution maybe, something that distanced themselves from me, but I couldn't care less I was far better than them. I knew there and then, that day, i had to take matters in my own hands, the angels had given me a second chance, and I would use it to cleanse the world, take the lives that had condemned me the first time, and bring justice to myself, i wanted to show those vile people what they did to me. But before i could, something changed, i felt life speeding away from me, bugs, grass and air was screaming into my ears, as i felt my freedom, my satisfaction slip away from me just as sand seeping away through my fingers. I felt my power fade and my ego shatter, my walls were building up again and I was bound once again to laws and ethics that I at heart did not believe. It was all just a preview of what could be, a delusion, a mockery.

160525

It is unbearable, this weight that never really goes away, the guilt that tears at me, shredding every cell in my body, the fear, the sheer terror of nothing. It aches so terribly, so satisfyingly much it's disgusting to think about. Fractured bones out of anger, the vile hatred for those I love the most, the confusion, the stupid decisions. Legs giving in, heavy heart and dry eyes. Nausea and dizziness, caffeine overdose for absolutely no reason, boredom maybe. This deep emptiness that won’t go away, solace is unreachable, reality is unreachable, nothing is really real, so far far away. Nothing to say, empty head “she’s different”, no thought makes sense, no word i write makes sense, violence, violence, violence, that’s all she remembers, screams of my, or her name, repeats repeats repeats, sleepless nights or maybe not, every day, every second, every minute, every hour, every week, every month, melted together, non-existent, gone. I'm not like this, i'm not like this, i'm not like this, I'm loud, im obnoxious, why am i so distant, i could fight it, but not anymore. This disgust i feel, i can’t rip it out, i can’t wash it enough, it's disgusting, filthy, im filthy, i will never be pure again, i will never get the sin away, i can’t escape it, the touching, the taking, he took it away, my very own blood, the filth, the betrayal, and the guilt, i brought this upon myself, i took it upon myself, i deserved it. The marks, the scars, the touching, i deserved it, i was born with a debt of my past life, born with a curse that i did deserve, no matter how clueless, no matter how naive, no matter how young, i had it coming, i did it to myself, i did, i did it, i did.

190525

The most beautiful feeling turned into pure filth: lust, that desire that connects you with one in no other way possible, that drive that creates a moment far deeper than any conversation or action. Yet that desire turned into a sin, now just something to please oneself and none other. That drive that ruins the lives of so many, covers people in disgust that they can never quite get rid off, no matter how much they rip at their skin or cover themselves in soap. I never really understood how much lust controlled my life, how much it had influenced the way I thought and was, that just a touch changed the way I processed and thought. I wasn’t old, I didn't really know much, I didn't know what was right and what was wrong, or atleast considered that. I was just scared, never had I seen my father so full of rage against my mother, so hateful, so violent, and so disgustingly human. He was so blinded by rage that he took the innocence of his own daughter with one touch, he was the snake that tempted eve. And just one touch bended the reality of his dear daughter, who grew up lusting, yet terrified of intimacy, scared, embarrassed. Every stranger an enemy, every person a danger. Not even a beloved would she let be lustful, she was terrified of just an indication, terrified of just the thought, terrified. In denial that her own father, the man who gave her shelter, who loved her, would take her innocence out of pure rage, shortly after almost choking his wife to death. His daughter lived her life doubting her own memories, how could her beloved father, who had done so much good, how could he do that to her? Her father who loved and helped people, who tried to do good. And that makes her wonder, how many of his actions are just a facade to escape the past, the touching, the hitting, the lying, the crimes and disgusting actions, how much is real and how much is an act. Who is he at heart? Who is he? She grew up to love and adore him, even when he turned his back on her, his daughter who wasn’t healthy, who was at heart ill, who needed that love. Yet that memory, that thought kept her away, pulled her away, and rightfully so. It is a question of good and evil, despite not really being, isn’t everyone just trying to survive? Isn’t everyone just trying to get through, but what possible can justify his actions, what could possibly justify taking away his daughters innocence, was physical punishment not enough? Was that really the only thing to make her stop crying, or maybe she cried more, but she couldn’t understand his actions, not at that age, not at that age. She wanted to forgive him, but his continuous vile actions made her want to throw up, every little indication, every little imagination, made her want to rip her insides out, made her want to die. Was he really feeling guilty, or would he do it again if the situation called for it, and what possible situation called for such a disgusting, dehumanizing act. I wonder till this day, why, why me, what could little me have possibly done, why did god allow my mother to have me, why was i cursed.

210525

Pridefully i walked down the halls, pridefully i walked down the streets, pridefully i spoke and pridefully i lived. Every life that was not mine, just another potential server. Every accomplishment that was not mine, not significant enough. And on the top of a capsized hierarchy, there I sit on a throne of tears and blood from my past, deluded into seeing diamonds and gold. My pride is my worth, and damnation is my drive, what's pulling me up, pulls me low. I wear a crown made of regret, guilt, and the bones of those I once loved, deluded into seeing success, dignity and the love from all people.
Mine, mine, mine, it is all mine, i won’t let you try, i won’t let you have, i will never share, for all that i own is mine. I sit atop a mountain of my belongings and my riches, i'm a dragon who never shares, everyone that pleads for my things will be ash and grime. I spit on those below me, I spit on those who need, for when you’ve had nothing, and suddenly you hold to what you’ve preached, everyone is an enemy, a sword, a threat to your heap. More, more, more, no matter how much more, not a drip, not a sliver, not a decimal or less, of what I have will I ever share, no matter how death pleads.
Oh the pleasure, the feelings, the relief, it flushes over as if an angel's wings hug me tight, shielding me from the world outside. I long to be closer than close, I long to intertwine with one another, I long to share not just my heart but my soul and my being. The world calls it filth, and I too agree, such a lovely thing turned dark and woeful, when one's own blood takes your innocence away. Yet despite the fear, the tears and the thoughts, I long to be one, I long to give in, let me fall into the angel's wings, let me find solace in its feathers.
Why do they have it, when I don't, what possibly could they have done to deserve it. I’ve walked through hell while carrying my soul, I've sacrificed my heart for nothing at all, I've walked through unrelenting deserts of my own hatred. And now I stand here, with nothing but my hurting soul, watching them have everything I want. Innocence, dignity, heart and divinity, that’s what I want, that’s what I deserve, and no one shall have it, if I cannot. The hatred keeps growing when I see their faces, so full of satisfaction and pride, and I stand here stripped from all my quality, forced to watch the others feast and laugh with their riches.
This wrenching hunger eats me from inside, give me more, give me more, I want more. The hunger never goes, it keeps tearing, shredding and consuming all it sees, it doesn’t let go, it’s relentless, mean, merciless. It is eat or be eaten, kill or be killed, survival of the fittest it is. I watch those below me who suffer and hunger, and I laugh, I laugh knowing that hunger is mine. It never ends, it never ends, I walk with it loud and proud, while it consumes me, consumes me raw.
They will bow, they will pray, they will suffer and disintegrate, no one stands in my way, no one says a word above me, the crown is mine, the throne is mine and every soul will comply. No one stands against me, if they do they will die, i will rip their soul apart, eat the heart and take their pride. The fire drives me forward, yet consumes me from inside, the hatred seeps from every pore, this hostility inside. I keep tearing, biting, killing and fighting, it won’t stop, it won’t stop.
My shoulders are free, yet I carry this burden. My legs are tied to the ground, and my soul deadly heavy. There is no space for responsibility, there is no place for hard work and effort, nothing matters, never will. Let me sleep, let me grieve, grieve the life I could've had, but this invisible placebo burden wears me down, tears me down, leaves my body worn out. I don't want anything, I don't want to move, I don't want to talk, act nor think, let me be, leave me be, let the weight crush me down, let it shatter what’s left of my soul, let me fall into the ground below.

160625

Dear you,
You are the dearest in my life, and I was so obsessed with you, so in love, you were no doubt the love of my life. But if you're reading this I'm most likely gone, unfortunately. I'm so sorry, I hate it, I hate to do this to you, but I just couldn't take it anymore, all the bad memories just kept flooding my head and I couldn't get them out, I never really left the past. I couldn't take the constant switches between delusional hope and absolute despair. And I was so tired of the constant hate I had to face from my own blood, the constant violence soaked words, the past reminders of the bruises I was given and the way my innocence was brutally taken in a moment of blind rage. You, you made me feel a thousand times better, you made me go further, you made me feel good, but this was too much for me. I just couldn't walk around knowing I was a failure, knowing I failed my whole family, my class and myself. I was so tired of knowing I started out shit and would continue to rot in this mess of a life. The class, the school was my everything, the only place i felt home, i felt like i belonged, and i couldn't stand the thought of it being ripped away from me, it hurt too much, no writing, no painting, no wound would distract me from the pain, no pills, no substance would be able to distract me from it, and even then when the first thought of distraction is either hurting or drugs, there you see how unfortunate it all is. I hate the fact that you fell in love with someone so failed as me, someone so flawed, so terribly destroyed, someone so miserable, because you deserve someone who is able to feel happy, someone who can influence you towards that. I know i should've gone to you, told you everything that hurt so much, but i just couldn't get myself to share that burden, when you were having so many of your own battles, i couldn't make you fight mine too. I hate doing this to you because I loved you so so much, no one has ever made me feel like you did, and you were the most precious in my life. I'd start a war for you, I'd leave my whole life behind if it meant being with you. Please don't blame yourself for anything, don't overthink all of this, don't mourn me. Honor who I was and forget, I'm so so sorry. No one treated me as good as you. While everyone saw me as a naive child with no ability to think or speak, you saw me for who i really was, i felt seen with you, and everytime you were close, nothing else seemed to matter, and i'd be so far away from this cruel life that i had, and for that you have my eternal gratitude and love, and i don't love you for just what you did for me, i loved you for you, the way you were, the way you looked, the way you talked and thought, every part of you had me in awe, admiration and absolute obsession. And i want you to know that you are eternally loved, and that so many people care about you, you will never be truly alone (meant in the best way possible) God I wish it would've been different, but it is what it is, I was born to fail. The only thing I don't consider a failure, but one of my greatest achievements, the greatest win, is getting to know you, my greatest love.
Goodbye
I love you.

161625

Slam the door thrice, or you will die. Scissors on hook two or you will be stabbed to death. Check the door, someone might break in. Switch off every light switch or everything might combust in flames. Check under your bed, you may not be alone. Check behind the door, someone might be hiding. What if there's more cigarettes in the empty box, check, check, check, check, just a single time more, not proper, do it again, just again, it's empty. This cigarette specifically will kill you. Take a shot more or you might die. Take another drag or you won’t be fine. Open, close, open, close, what if your computer broke? You might wanna check again, oh you forgot to blow the dust away. Do everything again, and again and again, the dance never ends.

170625

Born drunk into a family laced with violence and venomous words. Love and care was sin, and every blue mark a symbol of disobedience. The burning hunger every night, eating at you, knowing that those who were supposed to care, didn't. Every tear and every pained voice was weakness. You learn young that you will not survive with a tear stained face and despite a thousand arrows wedged in your back it is weakness to fall. You learn young that the world is tough and nothing is given to you on a silver platter, and that the weak die and the strong survive. Raised by a criminal and a deluded goddess. Only you can see their bloody hands. You walk through institutions, betrayed and looked down upon by your peers, every friend another stranger, but every betrayal is better than a new bruise at home. You watch your father leave for good, his sins catching up. You watch your mother turn more delusional as time goes by. You watch every ally slowly become enemy. No one understands you, no one wants to, you are alone in this cruel world. Born drunk and still rotting, in this life so Tragic. Delusional hope or absolute despair, choose your poison, either the angels sing you tunes as you sit with a psychiatrist or you sit hopeless with a knife in your blood stained hands. The mirror reflects your makers, you are no different. The roots of who we are run deep in our blood. You beg and beg, you pray and pray, but no one answers, no one ever answers, and you are left to wonder why, why did all of this happen, why. You give up finding an answer. You keep stepping through fire, but the burning is familiar, it's no longer scary, no longer painful, but it didn't get colder, you just got number. You keep getting hit with painful situations, and no matter how much you run, face or evade them, they happen. You sit in your cold, dark, room wondering where it went wrong, wondering why it went wrong, wondering if it was all your own fault? You walk through an unfamiliar place, which through time becomes home, the dear place where you feel wanted. Yes those who share it with you may not be able to accept you, yes they may see you as a maniac, but it is home. You feel somewhat satisfied, knowing that is the place you will show up at the next three years, but the hatred you still face is overwhelming, the memories, the feelings and the words, it still haunts you. Suddenly you find solace in poison, all the smoke and booze flooding your mind, it saved you, and yet you are twitching as you finish the last drop. You are discovered by the system, a neglected poor child, and now your whole family tree has turned a blind eye, you are officially a failure in their eyes. You find love, someone who sees you for you, who loves you, and you feel slightly more satisfied. But life does not accept that, you are stripped away from what you considered home, and now every relative sees you as a lost cause, the dumb and lazy one.

080725

I love you, and I hate that these words aren’t enough to describe what I really feel. I was never as much as I framed myself to be, I never really felt loved, I despised myself despite wearing a confident face, I was never understood, I felt like the biggest failure, and my greatest achievement at that point was surviving. I remember when I first met you, I was fascinated, impressed by your words and ways of being, the way you spoke, the way you moved, the way you looked, everything about you hypnotized me, had me in a trance. Just from that one encounter I felt like something was meant to happen, I didn't know what, but something was waiting. We went through everything together, highs, lows, doubts and mixed feelings. I had turned you down, I lied, I acted, but I was scared, I was terrified of ever getting close to people, for all I had gotten was betrayal and humiliation. I tested you for so long, acted like an idiot, a fool, I wanted to see where you would set the line, where you would leave, I wanted to bring you to the edge, and yet, you never left. My whole life people rejected me for who I was, got tired of me, and told me I was too much, but you stayed. My gratitude for you goes beyond this world, everything you’ve done for me has only helped me, and i owe you everything, and i often wonder how to repay you, i often think of what you’ve done for me, and it makes me see just a sliver of hope, that someone out there might actually like me somehow. And the longer we knew each other, the more I felt understood, the more I felt like I was wanted somewhere, and life became just a little more bearable. Every embrace, every kiss, every word, every hand hold made my heart flutter, because I was and am so in love, I truly see a future, I truly see a hope, or something bright. I feel happier knowing I have a person who I love, and who loves me. I might at some point sound obsessed, but truly i am just in love I fucking love you.